The Practical Philosopher's Blog

Using the practical application of timeless wisdom to address modern issues

Environmental Utopia!

I’ve heard a myriad of great earth saving ideas from many passionate, well meaning environmentalists out there today. It struck me that if I were to put all of these great ideas together, we would see the wonderful, cheap, and sustainable outcome of the Eco-Utopia we are marching toward at Copenhagen next month! C’mon, let’s outline the benefits:

No power except wind or solar. No power grid- grids need stable sources of energy to work. So, we’ll no longer have those pesky computers, refrigerators, or pointless TV’s. When the wind blows or sun shines, you may get some limited electricity locally for lights. Unless you have wind, lights will only be available during the day. Batteries require more energy to manufacture than they are worth and contain toxic chemicals, friend! Learn to get your work done during the day and synchronize yourself with mother earth’s rhythms.

No meat. Meat animals take way too much land, bio-matter to eat and water to live to adulthood to be slaughtered for our heinous consumption. Just ask PETA. Prepare to embrace vegi-steaks and tofurkey (made of tofu grown on a collective farm).

No flatulence. Cows and most humans will need to be eliminated to save the atmosphere from ultra-damaging Methane. Humans also exhale CO2, so eliminate most of them on that basis, too. It also doesn’t matter that 95% or more of CO2 comes from natural sources. We have to do our part!
Cows are also meat, so they are also eliminated under the ‘no meat’ category above.

No chemicals or bio engineering of foodstuffs. So no fertilizers or high-yield, disease-resistant crops. This will also stop the corruption of our genetic purity. It doesn’t matter if this is unproven and only has the effect of getting more people fed. Franken-food must be eliminated! This will also cull the super-sized human herd. Hail Gaia!

No daily showers. This is too wasteful of Gaia’s precious fluids! Drink water if you must. The rest is for display purposes only.

No petroleum-based products. So if you stink from not washing, go to your earth garden and rub some mint on yourself. Live in a climate with winter? Suck it up and stink ‘til Spring. This also eliminates most household items. Women: you are liberated! You no longer have worry about trying to clean a house! Dirt and germs are now your friends! They will also help eliminate the disease of humanity more rapidly now, thank goodness!

No AC in summer. Hopefully like in Europe, we’ll get a heat wave that will eliminate ten of thousands of you old people that are past your ‘useful’ date. Note to everyone else: don’t get old.

Little or no heat in winter. What do you think you are going to destroy or burn of mother Gaia’s to warm your earth-raping body? Certainly nothing that will get you up to the 65-70 degrees you wastefully use today! Don’t even THINK about going out to cut down living trees for wood to burn once you lose gas, oil and electric feeds! The Government knows best. Please don’t complain and try to freeze to death with a little dignity.

No plastics. Milk will need to come in other containers like glass. Wait! How will we manufacture the glass in the first place? Forget any containers. You will just need to milk the cow directly if you want milk. Wait, I forgot! Cows are meat and flatulent! Forget milk and most any other container, device, or object in your house. Don’t even DARE think about replacing plastic with wood, earth-raper! Just do without. It’s environmental purity.

No cars. Certainly no gas powered ones. But wait! Where will the electricity come from for battery operated cars? But wait again- how will be manufacture or ship batteries full of toxic and dangerous chemicals? Cancel cars. Cancel horses, too. They are meat and flatulent like cows. Just walk you lazy scum.

So we will be cold, stinky/unwashed wretches lacking any stable power supply, starving for lack of enough food for all. We’ll be stuck where ever we are living due a lack of any means of transportation. We’ll suffer greatly from the weather and die early from simple ailments and diseases.

Hey, no one said getting to Eco-Utopia would be easy! We will all have to make a few changes in our lifestyle and expectations. Get on board and reap all of these tremendous, earth-saving benefits. Please join me in a rousing chant to mother earth: “Hail Gaia, she must be untouched. Hail, hail Gaia, she’s the one for us…”


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November 2009
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