Hello friend. I noticed you are economically challenged, but this is not your fault. I wanted to offer the brightest, smartest help a progressive Liberal can offer you today in our brave new world. This advice will help you improve your life and make you feel happy and tingly- like when you hear President Obama speak…
Alright. Let’s get to work. My name is Lib Utopian.
What’s yours? Bob? Nice to meet you, Bob.
How much do you make a year? $40,000 as a truck driver? Got it.
You ask how much I make? Well, I was making about $120,000 as a journalist. But, my paper folded up and now I’m doing this good charity and social work with you, Bob.
Do you have a family, Bob?
Wife and three kids?! Whew, that’s a load…
You ask what’s wrong with that? Easy, Bob- I was just amazed at how many-
Me? Well, I’m 55 and it’s just my wife and I right now in our condo in the city.
Kids? Sure, we had one and she’s helping poor kids in Africa.
Okay- anyway, let’s talk about how you can improve your life style.
Let’s start with transportation. You use mass transit to get around, don’t you?
Well- Okay, maybe it’s a little harder to find a bus out here in the suburbs, but you have a duty to save our planet. Less cars means less Carbon Dioxide and that’s good, Bob.
You say the bus doesn’t stop near your house? Fine. Then let’s talk about cars. Do you own one?
You own two. That’s a lot of carbon emissions. What about- what’s that? You say you are in the market for a new one?
Great! Have you thought about a green hybrid vehicle? How about the Prius?
Yes Bob, it does not have to be plugged in. It gets 44mpg and saves on gas. Isn’t that great?!
What? How much? Is that really important? I- You need to really know? Okay- they go for about $27,500. Whoops! Wow. That coffee came right out your nose…here’s a napkin.
You say you don’t think you can afford one, Bob? C’mon, my man, this is green, so it’s good…
What? The only green you think is good is money? Bob, what sort of capitalist comment is that?
Do you have an alternative in mind? Oh- you mean something cheaper? Well…
What’s that? You say you looked at a Kia Rio…it seats 5 also and gets 33mpg? Okay, but where’s the green- oh forget that, you’re only thinking money, not mother earth…
And it’s how much? $12,000…are you sure?…yeah, that is pretty cheap.
What’s the bottomline you ask? Well, that’s very corporate of you Bob…
Let’s see, if you drive it 10,000 miles a year…at 44mpg…that would be 227 gallons of gas for the Prius and 303 gallons for the Kia. At $3 (I know it’s not that, I’m just putting in a price that it should be, minimally) a gallon, that would be a savings of $228 a year in gas! Praise Gaia!
What’s that? You ask how long would it take to make up the difference in the price? C’mon Bob…
Fine. With a difference of $15,500, and $228 a year in gas savings, it would take 68.4 years to make up the difference. But that’s not important- the impact to the planet is priceless…
Jeez- don’t get so steamed up, Bob. Maybe we can do something right and progressive with your house.
How about solar energy? That would be huge in stopping your usage of electricity from your local, earth-raping coal-fired power plant. If only we could get that thing converted to wind energy.
Why hasn’t it, you ask? Well…I think that big business around here wants to pollute and make cheap profits at our expense. And…well, heh, heh… there is a bit of a problem if the wind slows down… or stops… or blows really hard… Alright. Forget it!
But, we digress. I know a guy that could put a solar panel system on your house and save you 80% on your energy bills! And it’s GREEN, Bob!! Hallelujah!
Sigh…you ask again, how much? Why does that always need to be-
Bob! No need to cuss at me, okay? Yes, I get it- you need to feed your family first.
Well, it would be around $40,000- but wait!- you could probably finance it.
What’s the pay off? Well, its green-
Okay! Okay! Stop shouting at me. I’m not a genius, but I can do the math here for you if I must.
I think I read some where that the big-ticket energy item on your house is the electric bill, especially in cold climates for households with electric heat. The average yearly bill is about $817. So 80% savings would be $640…that’s great, right?
Okay, $40,000 for the solar panel system divided by your $640 savings- you would break even in just 62.5 years…
What the?! Bob- why are you coming at me with that tire iron? Bob!! You are not being very progressive about this! Bob! Help! Help……!