While reading an amusing article on how ‘Global Warming’ has shrunk from a problem to a punch line, I came across a startling factoid about Global Cooling! Hear me out, friends of the planet- this is earth-shattering news!
In the above mentioned article, a retired Navy meteorologist named Dr. Martin Hertzberg noted:
“The average temperature of Earth’s atmosphere has declined over the last 10 years. From the El Nino Year of 1998 until Jan. 2007, it dropped a quarter of a degree Celsius (0.45 degrees Fahrenheit). From Jan 2007 to the spring of 2008, it dropped a whopping three-quarters of a degree Celsius (1.35 degrees Fahrenheit).
Dr. Hertzberg is a self-professed life-long liberal Democrat, so we know he is no Big Oil stooge and can be trusted. The point I will stress here is that we have inarguably cooled 1 degree Celsius in only TEN YEARS. Could this be right?!
Rattled, I went the NOAA site (they are a government entity and they are here to help) to see how much total WARMING we’ve had in the last 100+ years:
Global surface temperatures have increased about 0.74°C (plus or minus 0.18°C) since the late-19th century.
So, my fellow doomed citizens, in the last 100 years, the global climate has warmed all of a fraction (.74) of a degree Celsius and we are ready to destroy our economy and way of life to stop this catastrophic problem. But now, we see that the SAME global climate has cooled an ENTIRE 1.0 degree Celsius in just TEN YEARS!! This is ten times faster than our recent catastrophic Global Warming trends!!
If I use the same science (its not junk-science you denier!) as Al Gore and the political warming-zealots, in the next ten years, we will have an accelerated cooling of -5 degrees Celsius! By 2100, earth will be in its THIRD ice-ball phase (totally ice covered including the equatorial zones) and totally uninhabitable! (Que soundtrack of shrieks and wailing).
We must act now! I call upon the President to convert all energy to coal-based sources, everyone must upgrade to a large truck or SUV, and we need a million green jobs created to set up burn barrels all across the country to try to keep people and the climate warmed!
I am personally setting up a business called the Climate Cooling Offset Corporation where irresponsible states like Alaska and the MidWest will be charged for their damaging cold temperature contributions to our national climate. For each hour you freeze your kiester off in one of the above hellish wastelands, a $10 dollar offset from my company will buy an hour of someone’s time in good states like Florida or Arizona to go out and bask in their properly warmed climates and maybe even tan themselves on your behalf.
Now please excuse me, I have to go out and begin educating and shaking down my Minnesota neighbors…all in the cause of saving the world, friends.